A service so terrible it was hilarious
So for many of if you have read this blog in the past, you will know that I am not religious at all having left the Christian faith at the age of seventeen. But I do go with my family to Church when I am with them on Christmas and at Easter...it was at the later of these celebrations of the Christian faith where I was inspired to write this latest entry.
Now perhaps I should give more to this story, as it was in a Church of England (CofE) service the during perhaps the most important service on their calendar. Their services tend be rather joyful with a somewhat energetic priest in the pulpit, lots of fun hymns to sing and also tend to be very child friendly. Remember this is not a Catholic Church service, so the idea of being "Child Friendly" does not mean anything untoward, in the Catholic Church being child friendly tends to mean a law suit. The CofE hasn't to my knowledge payed out a fortune on child molestation settlements nor can they afford what their counter parts have in the US have paid...$4 Billion since 1950 according to the NCR for their informative article click here.
Getting back on track, so this service that is supposed to celebrate the rebirth of Christ and therefore what is likely one of the cornerstones of the Christian faith. Some people might debate that Christmas is....maybe but the whole Christian spiel is that Easter is when Christ died for our sins on what is called "Good Friday".....well on a day when their saviour died in a horrible fashion. That is if Mel Gibson's film "the Passion of Christ" is to be believed, that was a rather sadistic movie I must say. We all know that Mr. Gibson has his issues with well pretty much everything and everyone but... bugger me backwards.... that movie was rather close to the bone and I thought the Saw movies were brutal.
Anyway back on with it, so their saviour died on "Good Friday" so not a particularly good day for him, then came back to life again on the Sunday the "Resurrection". Sounds quite similar a few weekends I have had in my time, gotta say when you hit the big 3-0 hangovers are never the same again, recovering from one of those these days feels like a literal resurrection so I can sympathise hahaha. Having had a few days when I too wanted to crawl into a cave where light couldn't enter and shut the world out completely.
I must apologise I do tend to go off on tangents in my writing, can't help it I am afraid. So the CofE's Sunday services tend to be rather up beat and entertaining, after all its the end of winter, mid-spring when they take place. They do also tend to follow on from everyone's yearly chocolate binge and Easter egg hunts. So people tend to be in good voice and want to sing some up beat hymns and sermons on how we are all saved etc etc etc...at this small service that took place in a small English church in Switzerland.
It was anything but cheery, I have always believed that a good priest has to be part Orator, part Dictator and part Entertainer. After all on such days as this when people actually feel obliged to go to church is when you as a priest have to put on a show and bring your "A" game. This priest did wasn't any of the aforementioned nor did she entertain. She didn't entertain in the slightest in fact my nephew, brother in law and myself at one point looked like a gay couple with a child as we all ended up passing out on the back pew together, with my nephew in the middle of us.
The service kicked off with the priest bringing out a portable speaker and apologising as it was going to be... and I kid you not an "experimental" service. This ended up with the church warden screaming from the back pew that her son who is an apparent IT whiz could help out...I took one look at the young man who did a quick surprised look around....then immediately ducked his head down and started praying on his knees. One could almost hear him say "Mother what doing? Leave me out of this" whilst he attempted to make himself completely invisible. I actually felt sorry for the poor kid, the priest completely ignored this, approaching the whole service with the attitude of someone desperately trying to prove they were in control....when they were obviously not.
So the first hymn begins after a fairly dull and dreary opening from the priest, explaining that she couldn't find an organist. It was a hymn that NONE of the assembled corrugation knew at all, having sung in a choir at a young age not even I knew it. So we are all just trudging along through the first verse, when the music stops and the track on her phone had to be restarted for the other two thirds of the hymn...well at least I smiling it was so bad it was funny and this was not 5 minutes into a service that went on for more than an HOUR. If this had been anything other than an Easter service, such as a play or other, one could imagine this would have caused the entire venue to empty out....even I was tempted to say we were better off watching "Songs of Praises" on the TV. This sort of thing didn't just happen for this one hymn but for ALL of them...not one person in that church knew a single one of them and the words up beat, joyous and catchy couldn't be associated with a single one of them. Yes this is what I sat through....thinking I could be sneaky and take my nieces and nephews out side all of whom are below the ages of 8. This line of thinking was cut short by their father, my brother in law who said "HEY.... dude if I have to suffer so do you my friend you ain't going nowhere" so my sister got the freedom I longed for instead. This was fair enough, as we couldn't all just leave at the same time halfway to three quarters through. The day I forget to bring my hip flask to church....never again do I go without my portable elixir.
So you know how you have friends who believe that they can sing, who really can't and never should sing anywhere not even in private? Yes, the same can be said for this priest she thinks that she can preach but she really can't and shouldn't someone should have told her this YEARS ago. This is the kind of person who should quit her job and become a librarian or a silent witness or some profession where she doesn't have to perform on a weekly basis.
It got so bad that my mother who was sitting next to the church warden, started telling her quietly not thinking anyone would hear. How bad the priest was....not expecting to learn that the man sitting directly in front of them was the priest's husband. This aforementioned gentleman who had messy badly cut hair in the shape and colour of a well used piece of steel wool and a messy unrefined moustache that was black as coal. A piece of facial hair sooo bad it looked halfway between like a slug had recently defecated on his top lip, which was still there and a badly grown Hitler moustache. Throw in the Harry Potteresq glasses and you get the image of this unfortunate gentleman. This man had heard every word, enquiring with the warden after the service who my mother was...as he was doing this two elderly ladies came out of the church saying at the top of their voices, how bad the priest was and how bad the service had been. The look on his face at hearing that was UTTERLY priceless still makes me crack up now.
I shall end this story here and now, as I feel that I could go on but won't produce much more I shall be doing a rather informative blog on the Christian celebrations and how they connect with ones polytheistic religions in Western culture so please stay tuned for that. One that note till next time please follow me for updates on when I publish my next entries.
Now perhaps I should give more to this story, as it was in a Church of England (CofE) service the during perhaps the most important service on their calendar. Their services tend be rather joyful with a somewhat energetic priest in the pulpit, lots of fun hymns to sing and also tend to be very child friendly. Remember this is not a Catholic Church service, so the idea of being "Child Friendly" does not mean anything untoward, in the Catholic Church being child friendly tends to mean a law suit. The CofE hasn't to my knowledge payed out a fortune on child molestation settlements nor can they afford what their counter parts have in the US have paid...$4 Billion since 1950 according to the NCR for their informative article click here.
Getting back on track, so this service that is supposed to celebrate the rebirth of Christ and therefore what is likely one of the cornerstones of the Christian faith. Some people might debate that Christmas is....maybe but the whole Christian spiel is that Easter is when Christ died for our sins on what is called "Good Friday".....well on a day when their saviour died in a horrible fashion. That is if Mel Gibson's film "the Passion of Christ" is to be believed, that was a rather sadistic movie I must say. We all know that Mr. Gibson has his issues with well pretty much everything and everyone but... bugger me backwards.... that movie was rather close to the bone and I thought the Saw movies were brutal.
Anyway back on with it, so their saviour died on "Good Friday" so not a particularly good day for him, then came back to life again on the Sunday the "Resurrection". Sounds quite similar a few weekends I have had in my time, gotta say when you hit the big 3-0 hangovers are never the same again, recovering from one of those these days feels like a literal resurrection so I can sympathise hahaha. Having had a few days when I too wanted to crawl into a cave where light couldn't enter and shut the world out completely.
I must apologise I do tend to go off on tangents in my writing, can't help it I am afraid. So the CofE's Sunday services tend to be rather up beat and entertaining, after all its the end of winter, mid-spring when they take place. They do also tend to follow on from everyone's yearly chocolate binge and Easter egg hunts. So people tend to be in good voice and want to sing some up beat hymns and sermons on how we are all saved etc etc etc...at this small service that took place in a small English church in Switzerland.
It was anything but cheery, I have always believed that a good priest has to be part Orator, part Dictator and part Entertainer. After all on such days as this when people actually feel obliged to go to church is when you as a priest have to put on a show and bring your "A" game. This priest did wasn't any of the aforementioned nor did she entertain. She didn't entertain in the slightest in fact my nephew, brother in law and myself at one point looked like a gay couple with a child as we all ended up passing out on the back pew together, with my nephew in the middle of us.
The service kicked off with the priest bringing out a portable speaker and apologising as it was going to be... and I kid you not an "experimental" service. This ended up with the church warden screaming from the back pew that her son who is an apparent IT whiz could help out...I took one look at the young man who did a quick surprised look around....then immediately ducked his head down and started praying on his knees. One could almost hear him say "Mother what doing? Leave me out of this" whilst he attempted to make himself completely invisible. I actually felt sorry for the poor kid, the priest completely ignored this, approaching the whole service with the attitude of someone desperately trying to prove they were in control....when they were obviously not.
So the first hymn begins after a fairly dull and dreary opening from the priest, explaining that she couldn't find an organist. It was a hymn that NONE of the assembled corrugation knew at all, having sung in a choir at a young age not even I knew it. So we are all just trudging along through the first verse, when the music stops and the track on her phone had to be restarted for the other two thirds of the hymn...well at least I smiling it was so bad it was funny and this was not 5 minutes into a service that went on for more than an HOUR. If this had been anything other than an Easter service, such as a play or other, one could imagine this would have caused the entire venue to empty out....even I was tempted to say we were better off watching "Songs of Praises" on the TV. This sort of thing didn't just happen for this one hymn but for ALL of them...not one person in that church knew a single one of them and the words up beat, joyous and catchy couldn't be associated with a single one of them. Yes this is what I sat through....thinking I could be sneaky and take my nieces and nephews out side all of whom are below the ages of 8. This line of thinking was cut short by their father, my brother in law who said "HEY.... dude if I have to suffer so do you my friend you ain't going nowhere" so my sister got the freedom I longed for instead. This was fair enough, as we couldn't all just leave at the same time halfway to three quarters through. The day I forget to bring my hip flask to church....never again do I go without my portable elixir.
So you know how you have friends who believe that they can sing, who really can't and never should sing anywhere not even in private? Yes, the same can be said for this priest she thinks that she can preach but she really can't and shouldn't someone should have told her this YEARS ago. This is the kind of person who should quit her job and become a librarian or a silent witness or some profession where she doesn't have to perform on a weekly basis.
It got so bad that my mother who was sitting next to the church warden, started telling her quietly not thinking anyone would hear. How bad the priest was....not expecting to learn that the man sitting directly in front of them was the priest's husband. This aforementioned gentleman who had messy badly cut hair in the shape and colour of a well used piece of steel wool and a messy unrefined moustache that was black as coal. A piece of facial hair sooo bad it looked halfway between like a slug had recently defecated on his top lip, which was still there and a badly grown Hitler moustache. Throw in the Harry Potteresq glasses and you get the image of this unfortunate gentleman. This man had heard every word, enquiring with the warden after the service who my mother was...as he was doing this two elderly ladies came out of the church saying at the top of their voices, how bad the priest was and how bad the service had been. The look on his face at hearing that was UTTERLY priceless still makes me crack up now.
I shall end this story here and now, as I feel that I could go on but won't produce much more I shall be doing a rather informative blog on the Christian celebrations and how they connect with ones polytheistic religions in Western culture so please stay tuned for that. One that note till next time please follow me for updates on when I publish my next entries.
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