A life lived fighting the unknown and unseen

For a long time now I have fought with an enemy an enemy, with whom I know better than perhaps anyone. An enemy who has brought me to tears more so than any heartbreak, any loss and that can and has sent me in to a tailspin of despair.

This enemy is my self, I have for a long time now fought with depression and self hatred. I was doing so well for over three years I gave up smoking and the lure of it. 

It was during my time in LA when I had felt more at peace with my self that I had ever done before hand. With my love of yoga, the practise that meant and still does mean so much to me. Due to my lack of self discipline, I have lost it my love of exercise and peace of mind that came with it. 

There were times gone by where I would feel so....lost and alone that the thought of death was never far from ones mind. The idea of loosing all that I felt I had already lost would eat away at me like a like plague of insects devouring my mind and nerves slowing.

The things that once brought sense to my mind, did still but not in the same way as it used to. I would end up as find my self today, just lying on my bed or sofa just master-bating hoping that this feeling of self love would take away the pain.

Yet it does not, this feeling of self love quickly turns in to self pity and doubt. So I turn to pack of cigarettes that are there on my table with the lighter placed so welcomingly next to it. Thinking that the act of smoking and the chemicals inside might help to give one focus and a simultaneous release. When I was an art student a the act of smoking a few with a cup of hot black coffee would give one stimulus to create and innovate. 

Yet now I turn to netflix put on a TV show with emotion and joy but yet to no avail, I become stuck in a mental tar pit, every move I make and thought I think just sinks me lower in to an utter abyss of woe and misery. 

TBC