Aspergers Syndrome...something that you can never ignore or forget about

It wasn't until recently I had fooled myself into believing that I had my Aspergers under control, it wasn't until this weekend when I realised just HOW wrong I was.

Recently, this Gentleman Traveller had met someone and for the first time in many, many years the better part of a decade in fact. Having been alone for the better part of over a decade, this time as been spent as a mixture of learning to love my self. So, in doing this I have gotten so used to being alone and having the company of friends, but also being able to shut myself away from the world.

Often doing so at a moment’s notice and with a seconds forethought, it is because I needed it or just because I wanted to hide away and just because I could...in fact more often than not, I have to thank my friends from University for not allowing me to do so (these people I will write about in a separate entry). These amazing and fantastic people did what only true friends can do....not let me get away with SHIT. These people are the kind that anyone with AS should surround themselves with.

This weekend, I allowed myself to entertain this Aspergers thought and I let it potentially ruin and destroy a young romance between me and someone...whom in the past few weeks I have become highly fond of and someone whom one rarely finds in this world. Are there excuses I could find to validate this behaviour...yes of course there are someone with AS can always find a reason...TRUST ME. We are highly intelligent people those of us with AS, if we want to find a logical reason that fits in with what we want to believe...we can and will. Perhaps even worse we won't realise what we are doing until days if not weeks after. Hind sight being a wonderful thing, but also something that if we were as intelligent as we claim we would never have to use in the first place.

For those of you that read my first entry on my life with Aspergers, which I wrote nearly going on 3 years ago now. Will know of the pain and suffering that it has caused, this is no more an update but also a realisation that no matter how much you believe you have control over something...that is when it will flare up and catch you off guard. Just as it did me this weekend, and not even I could see the tell-tale warning signs, that or I did and like hitting snooze on your alarm clock in the morning...I ignored them and I did so to my own shame. I let someone down and in doing so I let myself down...I nearly destroyed something because of a trickling of doubt.

What was the doubt you may ask? This doubt started on the Friday when I woke up being brain dead and then something in my mind said...I could really do with lying in bed this weekend and having ME time. Just like I have been used to having for such a long time, whereas I had this stunningly beautiful woman who wanted to spend time with me, voluntarily and of her own volition. See what I mean about my AS sometimes forcing me to be my own worst enemy? This AS part of me this Social Dyslexia, caught that momentary weakness and desire to be bone idle lazy. Caught it and made it grow from a thought that was supposed to be momentary and a fleeting idea into a full blown..."Oh My God, FUCK ME" desire of catastrophic stupidity levels.

This as you can tell I have not quite yet forgiven myself for and I nor do I think I will...just yet that is, still have to do a fair bit of kicking myself in the ass to do so that I don't ever forget...not to do this EVER AGAIN